“Vroom” The school bus departed from the second stop of the route to school.” Hi Gordon” greeted my friend’s brother Jacob politely. The trip to my school was a distance and a boring one. We were so bored that I’m willing to do extra math problems, even thoughI’m a lazy person that don’t like to do work.
Jacob instantly came up with an idea “Why not make a secret code so people won’t understand what we are talking about” I said “Yes” eagerly because I had nothing to do. We gave all the 24 alphabets a weird name that none will know and we’ll only use this secret code during secrets. I practiced the pronunciation of the codes and suddenly the bus monitor looks at us as if we were guilty I don’t know why is the bus monitor looking at me with this expression, but I knew something bad is going to happen and I’m the victim. As she looked at me my heart is pounding with fear as if there’s a stampede of elephants running into a kid.
The bus monitor said “What did you say??”, in Chinese. “What? I said nothing bad or inappropriate! Infact I didn’t speak chinese at all” She said that I said this Chinese word that I don’t even understand and know! The bus monitor was such a tattler that she told my classroom teacher for something I didn’t do at all!!!
“Hey Gordon go to the hallway” said my classroom teacher. I had no choice but to follow her instructions .She discussed what the stupid bus monitor told her and I told her “I didn’t even know the word! It’s me and Jacob’s secret code!” She asked : Jacob Booth??” I said “Yes” hopelessly. She seems to not care about anything at all.
I saw a paper with words and I guessed that is supposed to go to my parents. “Put this in your backpack and let your parents sign and respond to this letter” “o…k” I said hopelessly without a single choice. This is the worst day in my life, because of my tataller bus monitor.
This story is really good but still needs some improvements. First, starting from the basics, you need to look at you punctuation. Then, the lead should be totally changed. You should describe how the bus ride was boring. Next, the middle is ok but should be better. The ending was not that good. You should say how hopeless you were. I like your story a lot and it is really interesting.
Nice story but you need to say what you 说
And you need to work on punctuation and you need to fix your ending.
The lead wasn’t as strong as other leads. Try telling what made the ride boring. The ending is very predictable. Do something to make surprising. The lead isn’t as good nor is your ending but the middle part of the story is terrific. the story keeps grabbing me after each sentence.
Very interesting that happened to me once. Tenshin threw paper on the floor and when the bus moniter came she thought it was me
sheungtsz
Hey Gordon, the story was nice but maybe you could say how long it was or maybe how boring it was. Gordon, I think you shouldn’t use “hopeleesly” two times because it was sound boring, maybe you should use something like, “O….k” I said despondent. Or something like that. You need to discribe maybe how hopeless you were.
good luck!!!
-bryan
I think your lead is a little short. You could add more details like how long it takes you to get to school and what Jacob looked like.
You could indent.
What you should do is go over more of your titles because some of them I don’t understand.
I think you spelled tattletaler wrong. I’m not o sure though. You could add more expresion.Also description.
OH when did Oscar come to your house?
Ya, Oscar came to my house.